Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Kitchen Goddess: How To Handle A Kitchen Curmudgeon

Put the frying pan down, Maxwell, and let me talk you through this. We all know one. We've all been there. They may be a member of our immediate family or they may be a friend.  There are a few subspecies of the Kitchen Curmudgeon.  Here are some tell-tale characteristics inherent of each so that they are more easily spotted and the proper precautions can be taken:

1.  The Peeping Tom - This is the least annoying of the bunch.  This curmudgeon intermittently "pops" his head into the kitchen to check up on your progress.  He may or may not verbally ask you "how it's going in there." He may also attempt multiple "walk throughs" which may be disguised as "grabbing something from the fridge."  The best way to politely nip this fella right in the bud is by asking him, "Is there anything I can get for you?"  This will prove that you are onto his game and that it is not appreciated without being a complete bitch. Remember, you are a goddess.
2.  The Sidler - A slightly more annoying sub-species, The Sidler prefers to make a sneak attack.  To him, it could be that watching you jump a mile in the air while splattering marinara all over the ceiling is knee-slappin' hilarious.  Or maybe it's because he wishes to catch you in the act of adding an ingredient of which he disapproves so that it can be held over your head for ages to come.  Either way, he is an intrusion of our peaceful kitchen vibe.  The best way to handle this startling stinker is to laugh loudly and maniacally directly into their face like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman."  They won't really know how to respond and they are less likely to want to cause this God-awful reaction again. Continue your cooking with a twitchy smile on your face as if you're teetering on the edge of insanity, and they are sure to keep their distance.  Remember, you are a goddess.  Keep it classy.
3.  The Hoverer -  The Hoverer is even more agitating than The Sidler in that he is persistent. Painstakingly persistent.  It is difficult for The Hoverer to take a hint making it virtually impossible to maintain goddess composure. They may or may not have ill intent.  Although The Hoverer has a noticeable and large presence, he is relatively easy to get rid of. Simply give him an easy task that you do not want to do. By asking him to help you in the kitchen, you will satisfy his need to linger around and you have helped yourself out. Chopping an onion or running clear water through the coffee pot a few times are great tasks.  He'll never know you have won the battle.  After all, you are a goddess.
4.  The Micromanager - The chip on the potato. The sour in the cream. The dill in the pickle.  The pit in the peach.  The Micromanager. The control freak. I am ashamed to say that I have lost my kitchen goddess composure numerous times due to this curmudgeon.  When you hear phrases like, "You should use garlic salt instead of garlic powder," or "Cut the onion Julienne-style instead of dicing it," or "Use Basmati rice instead of brown rice," you know you're in the presence of the master. This person will wear you down until you are once again having visions of picking up that frying pan. You can take the high road and ignore them, but that's just not quite as fun as purchasing this apron, and wearing it while you cook.  At all times, keep that beaming smile on your face. At least that way they won't see the frying pan coming should you have a moment of weakness.


  1. so funny Bailey. What if they are a combo of all the above lol

  2. I give you my full permission to break kitchen goddess composure.